So yesterday my daughter said Mom there is a hummingbird. I almost said no but bit my tongue. And yes in January in Seattle where it is cold there was a hummingbird by the butterfly bush. Kept flying around so we could see it. Right exactly when I was having a meltdown over life being too hard and I cannot do it anymore.
Googled hummingbirds and spirits. Lots of amazing info. Hummingbirds have always been special to me and have significance. A clear and strong sign to me that God is watching and watching over us and I am on the right path even if that path is hard and will continue to be so.
Amazing. My daughter saw a hummingbird in November in a different part of the yard when I was in a tough spot. Definitely not a coincidence.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
path of least resistance
what is the path of least resistance? how do i take it? how do i find it? how am i battling that i can let go and accept instead? why cant i figure this out? it feels such a struggle, this life and my health is crap. so there is a different way but which way is that? how do I find it? these are the answers I need God. thank you.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
remembering puddles of hope
I set this blog up a long time ago and promptly forgot about it because I was not ready to blog. Still not sure I am but my journal is downstairs and I am tired and we have not been friends for awhile that journal and I. And I forgot my blog was titled puddles of hope. I remembered felt mama but not that. And now what I am looking for and needing are puddles of hope, lots and lots of them.
I have let go of a lot, have quit trying to control my life, have let go of a lot of worry, of a lot of stress. The stress is still there but better than years ago. I have dug in deep to my faith in God and I suspect I need to dig a whole lot deeper. But God is watching out for me. He just guided me to a blog that is making me stop in my tracks. I am going to go read more but first i wanted to write a few thoughts.
It is time to quit filling my time with empty things to avoid feeling. I think feeling pain would be better than this. I am avoiding life, avoiding interacting with my children in a real deep meaningful way. Why? Because I am so tired. Because there are no words for the complete and utter exhaustion and tired I feel. Because I am exhausted. Because I have given them and everyone else all that I have and I feel empty more than empty and I want to hide and nurture a bit back. I need some of me back. Today I said I am depressed and I am. And now I feel a bit better.
I have crawled into bed early every night lately and done stuff from bed. To rest some, to heal some, to slow down. I have even been watching some tv or trying to at least. After over a year of no tv, not much holds my attention. but it is nice just to do nothing and to let go of the feeling that i must go work. because to work, i need energy and passion and creativity and energy!
I have been very crafty on the non business front of late and it feels good. trying out different things without needing them to be the certain some way. Most of it for the kids or their friends.
I felt shell shocked for the better part of two days this week. The realization that one of my children may not be able to be in a classroom, to go to a school. To realize his differences and challenges are that profound. To have it put on a plate and put right in front of you. Even if you are the one that has spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours researching every possible thing that could be the thing that defines part of him. Even if what is there is mostly what I knew but maybe more. Partly shell shocked because he was so sad at school in the fall and they never told me even though I asked and asked often. My heart shattered into too many pieces feeling broken for him and being sad that I could not have done anything. Sad for the parts adding up and understanding why he was so much closer to tears all fall and always thinking it was so unlike him. Sad because this is him - unable to find words to tell me these things. Sad because after six years, I should know better. The hard things are the things he never has words for, are the things he needs me to figure out and help him with. But I was too busy trying to schedule all his therapy classes, arrange his schedule, find him all the help he needs, listen to speakers and try to help his sister who was going through too much change and uncertainty. And balance his brother and my business and the house and my life and my marriage and work on our bleak financial picture.
But now two days later I am not so shell shocked and the future sits open wide. Maybe I home school, maybe not. Maybe the new school I felt sure about is still the place we will go. God knows, he will guide us, for that I am grateful. the answers will present themselves. I have faith and I have more tonight, more peace.
Financially I have never been in such a bad place. We do not have rent for February, the car payment is two months late, none of the tuition is paid and right now we have food in the house but no money for more or for gas. And yet, money that I did not know where it would appear from has appeared three times in the last week. Faith and a belief that God has a plan for us. I am doing my best and that is what I can do.
We are on a path. I do not quite understand it but maybe it is not for me to understand right now, just to follow, just believe, just go with it, just follow. Just have faith in God and believe deeply in His plan for me, for us.
I have let go of a lot, have quit trying to control my life, have let go of a lot of worry, of a lot of stress. The stress is still there but better than years ago. I have dug in deep to my faith in God and I suspect I need to dig a whole lot deeper. But God is watching out for me. He just guided me to a blog that is making me stop in my tracks. I am going to go read more but first i wanted to write a few thoughts.
It is time to quit filling my time with empty things to avoid feeling. I think feeling pain would be better than this. I am avoiding life, avoiding interacting with my children in a real deep meaningful way. Why? Because I am so tired. Because there are no words for the complete and utter exhaustion and tired I feel. Because I am exhausted. Because I have given them and everyone else all that I have and I feel empty more than empty and I want to hide and nurture a bit back. I need some of me back. Today I said I am depressed and I am. And now I feel a bit better.
I have crawled into bed early every night lately and done stuff from bed. To rest some, to heal some, to slow down. I have even been watching some tv or trying to at least. After over a year of no tv, not much holds my attention. but it is nice just to do nothing and to let go of the feeling that i must go work. because to work, i need energy and passion and creativity and energy!
I have been very crafty on the non business front of late and it feels good. trying out different things without needing them to be the certain some way. Most of it for the kids or their friends.
I felt shell shocked for the better part of two days this week. The realization that one of my children may not be able to be in a classroom, to go to a school. To realize his differences and challenges are that profound. To have it put on a plate and put right in front of you. Even if you are the one that has spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours researching every possible thing that could be the thing that defines part of him. Even if what is there is mostly what I knew but maybe more. Partly shell shocked because he was so sad at school in the fall and they never told me even though I asked and asked often. My heart shattered into too many pieces feeling broken for him and being sad that I could not have done anything. Sad for the parts adding up and understanding why he was so much closer to tears all fall and always thinking it was so unlike him. Sad because this is him - unable to find words to tell me these things. Sad because after six years, I should know better. The hard things are the things he never has words for, are the things he needs me to figure out and help him with. But I was too busy trying to schedule all his therapy classes, arrange his schedule, find him all the help he needs, listen to speakers and try to help his sister who was going through too much change and uncertainty. And balance his brother and my business and the house and my life and my marriage and work on our bleak financial picture.
But now two days later I am not so shell shocked and the future sits open wide. Maybe I home school, maybe not. Maybe the new school I felt sure about is still the place we will go. God knows, he will guide us, for that I am grateful. the answers will present themselves. I have faith and I have more tonight, more peace.
Financially I have never been in such a bad place. We do not have rent for February, the car payment is two months late, none of the tuition is paid and right now we have food in the house but no money for more or for gas. And yet, money that I did not know where it would appear from has appeared three times in the last week. Faith and a belief that God has a plan for us. I am doing my best and that is what I can do.
We are on a path. I do not quite understand it but maybe it is not for me to understand right now, just to follow, just believe, just go with it, just follow. Just have faith in God and believe deeply in His plan for me, for us.
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