tears of motherhood

In the midst of my youngest throwing a huge fit begging to go out to lunch and me saying we cannot, there is no money and he arching and being so sad, I made the deep terrible mistake of promising him that if a check came we would go out to dinner. Well he told his siblings. They all were so excited. I told them I was not sure if a check was coming. The check did not come. Meltdown with all three. Huge, deep tears of sadness and bellowing crying coming from my oldest. Uncontrolled raging sadness. I felt so sad. I cried. I apologized said I was so sorry. Sorry for putting the idea of possibility out there and sorry there was no money. Sorry I promised the pumpkin farm with the cow train and the horse ride and then had to say we cannot. My kids know if I say it, then that means we will do it. I try to never promise what I am not sure about. I think they need the certainty. I ached, I reeled with guilt. I fell asleep at 6:21 pm fully dressed, belt on and phone in pocket. I did not get up till the next day although I awakened many times.

Life is hard. Life is joyful. I hate struggling to come up with food to feed my children, but I am grateful for what all this has taught me. Food is no longer a given, I do not take it for granted. There was a salad and red peppers at a birthday party today. I ate some with gratitude. I had a beautiful weekend with my family. We enjoyed the sun and the rain, a warm fire and warm, nourishing food made at home. A friend came to visit and bought us pumpkins from a farmer nearby. Nothing fancy, but the kids were thrilled nonetheless. Grateful the rain waited till we were leaving.

I chose not to work this weekend. I am my own boss, I can make those choices. Yet it is rare for me to take off time, and rarer still not to feel guilty. I did not this weekend. I enjoyed the time, I was grateful. It was peaceful. Friends came to visit, tea was made, time was shared. The lack of any money has hung overhead but not as a noose that it would have in the past. I have faith, faith that God has a bigger plan, one that continues to baffle me, but one that I have come to rely on. Even though I am relying on thin air in a way. There is no tangible plan, nothing written for me to see.

I struggle the kids have allergy testing and dentists appointments tomorrow since there is no school. But I do not have a way to get them there. There is not enough money, we are down to that little. I do not understand why I must miss them, I scheduled them so long ago and worked hard to plan it all so. So I feel like I am pushing against the plan. But something also tells me to accept whatever happens. And I will.

A hard week, a growing week. Energetically things are going on and I have not sorted them. Feeling lost, feeling like falling into darkness but trying to light my candle and keep it lit.

Looking deep into the canyon of unknown.

motherhood

some days, well most days I do not think I am up for the job. When people tell me what an incredible job I do, I wonder how I am faking it so well. I think they say that because they look at 3 kids so close in age and wonder how am I even alive. Someone said to me yesterday when I said no, I never feel like it goes well - she said, every mother of three would say that, it comes with the job. maybe so. I think I am good at doing for them, but not being with them. reading books, throwing balls, there is so much else to do, it is hard to stop and be with them. I just feel the pressure of everything else I have to do for them.

our life is our practice

On first glance, today was not a "good" day. I am out of town for work and did not sell one piece until I was leaving. Fridays tend to be the strongest or close to strongest day of a show. I desperately need the money to pay bills, to pay rent, to buy food for my family. I worked myself to the bone and slept little to get enough work made. It did not feel good. And yet, an old co-worker who I loved walked in the door. How kind and great to see her after all these years. A last minute Facebook post brought her to the show. The loveliest surprise.

As I was leaving, a customer found me to show how excited she was of the scarf she just bought. How excited I was that it was the piece my 5 year "helped" make. I told her the story and she loved it. As I reflected on it tonight I learned something from my daughter. She often comes into my studio to watch me work. Frequently she is patient and waits long enough that I will find a way for her to "help". She loves it and I do too. She follows directions well and is careful enough that I can actually have her help me. And as I was reflecting, I realized, she does not wait for me to find her to love and snuggle and give attention, she seeks me or others out. She always has. She has needs, she gets them met. She "does". She is not waiting for someone else. I have been waiting for things to get better, to feel better, to have more energy. Instead I need to do.

I found it serendipitous that Karen Maezen Miller was in the same town giving a lecture tonight. Maybe that is why I am here. She is an amazing and kind and thoughtful woman. Insightful, generous. Deep. Lighthearted, engaging. Present. Her warm gaze was like a room full of sunshine. How lucky was I to be sitting in the front row. Lucky. I keep feeling lucky, grateful for many ordinary things. A different way of seeing. But I digress.

She was talking, I was listening. And I heard. Your life is not an obstacle to your practice, your life is your practice. And I heard. I always say xyz are keeping me from yoga, from breathing, from slowing down. No they are my practice. Another phrase she said is call and respond. quit asking how and just do.

do not deceive, especially yourself
do not make excuses for yourself
take responsibility for yourself.

simple really, wise words truly, difficult to live some days. so clear so insightful.

I asked about me - i can manage to be calm and present with one child, even two, but when all three need me i lose it, sometimes yell, it scares them, i feel awful, the guilt...and so kindly she reflected and answered ask for help. look for help. do not try to figure out to make your self "better". truly, never thought of this. always focus on what is wrong with me how can i do it better. it is okay, kids are resilient. do not beat yourself up. quit thinking of yourself as a crappy mother.

i finally came up with my word for a year a few weeks ago. transform. Karen said something about being sick of the sickness in her life. so she did something. it is time to do something. it is time to take hold and transform. i am tired and worn out and life is so painfully difficult and hard a lot of times. but the beauty of my life and those in it is powerful i have been filled with gratitude for the magical island we know live on. I feel like we moved to a magical fairy land. Sometimes I wonder how did we get so lucky to live there?

I have never been so poor in all of my life as the last nine months. There have been days and days when I have gone hungry. It is hard. Yet living penny to penny has made me so grateful for what i do have. Life has been stripped down to the barest of bones. I see what is real in front of me. I value that which is important to me and the rest has fallen to the wayside. I do not miss alot of it. I wish not for things but good food to feed myself and my family. And enough comes. It always comes. This deep faith has seen me through. Life is powerful when you are looking.

Did I need it all stripped away so I could look more closely? I think so. I need to be kinder to myself, more gentle. More tender. My stress level has come down so much just from moving. I do not miss the big city, I like the small town. It feels like home in a way the city never did. I never realized that until we moved. The house is a dream. Again how lucky are we that we get to live in it?

So it seemed like it was not a good day and yet it was truly a grand day. How lucky am I? Yes very lucky. Very grateful.