tears of motherhood

In the midst of my youngest throwing a huge fit begging to go out to lunch and me saying we cannot, there is no money and he arching and being so sad, I made the deep terrible mistake of promising him that if a check came we would go out to dinner. Well he told his siblings. They all were so excited. I told them I was not sure if a check was coming. The check did not come. Meltdown with all three. Huge, deep tears of sadness and bellowing crying coming from my oldest. Uncontrolled raging sadness. I felt so sad. I cried. I apologized said I was so sorry. Sorry for putting the idea of possibility out there and sorry there was no money. Sorry I promised the pumpkin farm with the cow train and the horse ride and then had to say we cannot. My kids know if I say it, then that means we will do it. I try to never promise what I am not sure about. I think they need the certainty. I ached, I reeled with guilt. I fell asleep at 6:21 pm fully dressed, belt on and phone in pocket. I did not get up till the next day although I awakened many times.

Life is hard. Life is joyful. I hate struggling to come up with food to feed my children, but I am grateful for what all this has taught me. Food is no longer a given, I do not take it for granted. There was a salad and red peppers at a birthday party today. I ate some with gratitude. I had a beautiful weekend with my family. We enjoyed the sun and the rain, a warm fire and warm, nourishing food made at home. A friend came to visit and bought us pumpkins from a farmer nearby. Nothing fancy, but the kids were thrilled nonetheless. Grateful the rain waited till we were leaving.

I chose not to work this weekend. I am my own boss, I can make those choices. Yet it is rare for me to take off time, and rarer still not to feel guilty. I did not this weekend. I enjoyed the time, I was grateful. It was peaceful. Friends came to visit, tea was made, time was shared. The lack of any money has hung overhead but not as a noose that it would have in the past. I have faith, faith that God has a bigger plan, one that continues to baffle me, but one that I have come to rely on. Even though I am relying on thin air in a way. There is no tangible plan, nothing written for me to see.

I struggle the kids have allergy testing and dentists appointments tomorrow since there is no school. But I do not have a way to get them there. There is not enough money, we are down to that little. I do not understand why I must miss them, I scheduled them so long ago and worked hard to plan it all so. So I feel like I am pushing against the plan. But something also tells me to accept whatever happens. And I will.

A hard week, a growing week. Energetically things are going on and I have not sorted them. Feeling lost, feeling like falling into darkness but trying to light my candle and keep it lit.

Looking deep into the canyon of unknown.