our life is our practice

On first glance, today was not a "good" day. I am out of town for work and did not sell one piece until I was leaving. Fridays tend to be the strongest or close to strongest day of a show. I desperately need the money to pay bills, to pay rent, to buy food for my family. I worked myself to the bone and slept little to get enough work made. It did not feel good. And yet, an old co-worker who I loved walked in the door. How kind and great to see her after all these years. A last minute Facebook post brought her to the show. The loveliest surprise.

As I was leaving, a customer found me to show how excited she was of the scarf she just bought. How excited I was that it was the piece my 5 year "helped" make. I told her the story and she loved it. As I reflected on it tonight I learned something from my daughter. She often comes into my studio to watch me work. Frequently she is patient and waits long enough that I will find a way for her to "help". She loves it and I do too. She follows directions well and is careful enough that I can actually have her help me. And as I was reflecting, I realized, she does not wait for me to find her to love and snuggle and give attention, she seeks me or others out. She always has. She has needs, she gets them met. She "does". She is not waiting for someone else. I have been waiting for things to get better, to feel better, to have more energy. Instead I need to do.

I found it serendipitous that Karen Maezen Miller was in the same town giving a lecture tonight. Maybe that is why I am here. She is an amazing and kind and thoughtful woman. Insightful, generous. Deep. Lighthearted, engaging. Present. Her warm gaze was like a room full of sunshine. How lucky was I to be sitting in the front row. Lucky. I keep feeling lucky, grateful for many ordinary things. A different way of seeing. But I digress.

She was talking, I was listening. And I heard. Your life is not an obstacle to your practice, your life is your practice. And I heard. I always say xyz are keeping me from yoga, from breathing, from slowing down. No they are my practice. Another phrase she said is call and respond. quit asking how and just do.

do not deceive, especially yourself
do not make excuses for yourself
take responsibility for yourself.

simple really, wise words truly, difficult to live some days. so clear so insightful.

I asked about me - i can manage to be calm and present with one child, even two, but when all three need me i lose it, sometimes yell, it scares them, i feel awful, the guilt...and so kindly she reflected and answered ask for help. look for help. do not try to figure out to make your self "better". truly, never thought of this. always focus on what is wrong with me how can i do it better. it is okay, kids are resilient. do not beat yourself up. quit thinking of yourself as a crappy mother.

i finally came up with my word for a year a few weeks ago. transform. Karen said something about being sick of the sickness in her life. so she did something. it is time to do something. it is time to take hold and transform. i am tired and worn out and life is so painfully difficult and hard a lot of times. but the beauty of my life and those in it is powerful i have been filled with gratitude for the magical island we know live on. I feel like we moved to a magical fairy land. Sometimes I wonder how did we get so lucky to live there?

I have never been so poor in all of my life as the last nine months. There have been days and days when I have gone hungry. It is hard. Yet living penny to penny has made me so grateful for what i do have. Life has been stripped down to the barest of bones. I see what is real in front of me. I value that which is important to me and the rest has fallen to the wayside. I do not miss alot of it. I wish not for things but good food to feed myself and my family. And enough comes. It always comes. This deep faith has seen me through. Life is powerful when you are looking.

Did I need it all stripped away so I could look more closely? I think so. I need to be kinder to myself, more gentle. More tender. My stress level has come down so much just from moving. I do not miss the big city, I like the small town. It feels like home in a way the city never did. I never realized that until we moved. The house is a dream. Again how lucky are we that we get to live in it?

So it seemed like it was not a good day and yet it was truly a grand day. How lucky am I? Yes very lucky. Very grateful.