failure

instead of accepting, sometimes I want to revolt. i see their differences and I want to run. I do not want to be "that momma". yet i am. i am the mom of 3, one who has developmental delays and one who has major reflux and food sensitivities. and the sweet youngest? mostly growing out of his reflux but thriving in determined, tenancious personality that can bring me to my knees, and does daily at least.

but today, it was watching my oldest and how hard life must seem to him. he was trying to race with his friends, accidently veered off course and plowed into his sister by accident. always at the end of the day when the mega thunderstorm rifles through his body. he could not handle her hurt, he could not handle that his last race of the day was messed up. massive tears, massive yelling, massive body out of control. the plan was so crystal clear in his head that he really could not handle that the plan changed. he kept crying and crying about the plan, and the plan was wrecked and how did he do it, why did he do it and it was going to be great and they were all lined up.

and then when finally I had corralled all 3 and we were walking home he says I feel like a failure, then he says i am a failure. the words i have worked so hard and so deep and so long to protect him from. and there they spilled. my throat caught. and the explosion of emotions just kept coming. mine were bubbling and finally maybe an hour later i had to say, enough, momma is overwhelmed, i cannot handle anymore. my body just ached from it all. i do not want to be the momma who has to handle, manage and soothe these meltdowns. i hate being with other moms when it happens. i know they do not judge, but still. i deeply worry - when will his friends' start to not like him because of this or pick on the behavior? what can i do - how do i handle? what do i do? i feel like i need to have more empathy and wrap him in love. but he hurt his sister and she needed me and i had to keep it all in to get us home and get to the dinner table and to bed.

some days i am tired. tired of trying to manage. tired of being their momma with all the quirks. knowing it is different. knowing that sweet #3 pushes my buttons in different ways, ways where i get frustrated or upset, but not where i get hurt on a soul level, not aching from watching their pain, not hating that she hurts, physically hurts from food and even though i have climbed mountains and planets, i still have not been able to heal her completely. yet when i pause and think, i know God sent them to me, me for a reason. he felt they needed me as their mother. and that feels big and sometimes heavy and sometimes grateful.

goodbye 2011, hello 2012

where do the years go? i felt the need to write, the need to put words to paper so to speak. i read through all my past entries as i seem to do when i come here. happiness, joy, sadness, pain, love, that is what i find.
2011, i had such hope. i thought it was my year to thrive and succeed in my business. i did not. i fell and i fell hard. my little heart got crumpled up, defeated and deflated. i am still recovering. i am still a little shocked with 2011. not what i expected or wanted. i lost a lot of that joy of being here. my health really sunk even though i worked hard to help heal it.


one thing i am proud of, i gave up coca cola on Jan 1 and I have not had it again. not one drop. i had a couple cheerwines this summer, well okay more than a few, but it is not the same. my body has clearly and deeply struggled without all the sugar. i realized adrenal fatigue and candida overgrowth can be tied together. working on helping both. it is a long road. sometimes i feel completely devastated when that road feels so very long.

is this me now? that other person i thought i was all gone? i keep trying to embrace this me but i miss my brain working, the clear thoughts. the ability to have an idea and see it through. i cannot will myself to this place. it shows up for a few days at a time when i can really think and do and then mysteriously it disappears again.

sometimes i think God is trying to tell me something. but i cannot figure it out.

2011 also saw the kids getting bigger, doing better. maybe one of my most grateful things is seeing my daughter finally grow. i mean really grow. all my work, research, trials and tribulations of new idea and new things to try and i feel like i solved a big part of the puzzle. she still has reflux, still in pain, but so much is gone. i started soaking our oatmeal overnight with kefir water and presto, the constant "my tummy hurts" was gone. gave her unsoaked oatmeal twice and she knew, she said this kind hurts me. profound. i mean profound. she started gaining weight, growing inches, yes inches. went through a whole clothing size in months, the tiny feet grew. for ALL that I am SO grateful grateful to God. grateful to see her pain greatly diminish.

the last week of the year might have been the best. all not working all having a staycation. ice skating, gingerbread house decorating, gingerbread house touring, bowling, eating, visiting with friends, beach walking sea glass finding - rare sea glass - big red chunk, big light blue chunk, bright green super tumbled. thank you ocean. bald eagles soaring overhead.

and now on the start of 2012 and i have no idea what it brings. i started off feeling very clear headed. i took the gift and was grateful and spent it getting organized and doing the things i cannot usually achieve when i feel foggy and out of it.

today i created. first time in a long long time. felt good. made something that looks like confetti. maybe that is good.

i wrote goals again for the year. a lot are the same as 2010 and i did not write any in 2011. healing my body and sleep are right up top. finding time and peace with my children is to. spending more time with them, focusing on crafting with them. spending more time with my husband. talking with him. building my business, making it financially successful. these are my goals and wishes for the year.

what is my word? i am not sure yet. transform was the right word for a long time. but now i need something more, something a little different. joy breath peace contentment. maybe not those but something that embodies them all.