2010, you are almost gone and i am bit shocked. bit shocked that such an intense, maybe the most intense year of my life is closing. amazed at 2011. it feels full of hope, joyfull, unlimitless, full of possibility.
how did i get to this place?
starting 2010, i knew it was to be a hard year, intense, full of difficult roads. looking back, i am so grateful I had no idea of how hard, how difficult, how intense. truly grateful.
and they always say the hardest times are the most powerful etc etc etc and damn but is it true. i am wee bit sad to close the door on this year. this year that broke me open, spit me out, threw up everything in the air. the year i risked it all, we risked it all, made every change, followed in complete blind faith and nothing more. gave up a lot to start anew, thinking it was not for us but him and later realizing it truly was for us all.
in the midst of joy being so very tired, tired of being tired, tired of working at all hours. being hungry and wishing for more food. wondering how where why would the money come for food, house, expenses. and giving up so many things just to be able to keep what was the minimum and what we had to have to live. truly learning what you need to exist and all that is above that which is truly most of our lives. and being awed time and again, when just, just enough showed up, sometimes feeling purely out of thin air. grateful for the kindness, dear kindness of strangers, friends and family. living so deeply without the things that most feel what life is made me truly stop and figure out what I needed and what was the important, deep life stuff. i learned a lot, i changed a lot, i gave up a lot. I still miss stuff, sometimes I still ache for the things I cannot have. Mostly, I am okay. feeling that truly nothing was left but what was in my soul, my heart, my being. plunging ahead and taking/making those major shifts without any clue of what may lay ahead.
the awe and sometimes sadness of watching them grow, develop, bond with each other, stumble, fall hard and leave the baby/toddler years and realize they are all farther ahead. it is easier, truly it is easier. and harder in some other weird way. but the day to day physical aspects are easier on my very fatigued, adrenal fatigued body.
those adrenals. i should devote a space to them. they are so sad, and so worn out, so depleted. sometimes I feel they will never recover, i will never recover, never have that energy that seems to define me, back. it is debilitating. heart wrenching. exhausting. to want to do, to wish to hope and then to watch your body just physically fail you over and over. and then to watch your mind fail, to forget, to not hold on to details that used to be so easy. it is hard when your body and mind are so clearly wiped to remember to do this, that, this that, take that, drink this, remember this that etc. the irony makes me laugh, many times actually. it would be funny if it were not so intensely painful.
and then, the wise women who lifted me. one, so casual we met, yet i knew right away, i sensed her energy, her spirit, her life force. met up with her again this summer after working together via email and phone. the sunlight and air wafting through the aspen trees, looking up at the light and letting it go. yesterday as I was reflecting on things, I realized how much letting go of things and opening for new things in the forest among the aspen trees was so profound. i am deeply grateful.
and then taking a chance, asking for help, asking for an opportunity. and getting it and looking back and seeing how many opportunities are still coming from it. attention, breathe, stillness, accepting, and living with what you have instead of wanting for something else. giving myself a break and the permission to rest, to breathe, to relax.
such a year. a big move, business shifts, a new home, new school, new people, new places, in many ways a new life. yet the same life, just shifted. shifted to be open to new possibilities, new positive energy, new life force. new peace, new rest. open. willing.
every day I am grateful to God for this magical place we moved to, this house, this house that somehow we are so very lucky to live in. the little birds that chirp all day and the seemingly hundreds that live on our property. a new place where my children are thriving instead of withering. where i feel possibility and love and acceptance and support. where they are at ease instead of angst, where their bodies can breathe and be quiet. where they are healing and growing.
gratitude. grateful that for the first time ever i think i set goals in 2010. personal goals, family goals, business goals. not all were met, but most. but more important, it set a different path in motion. it opened up the possibility of new possibilities for me. it caused a shift in me, set me of a different path.
my word for this year did not come until late August. it is "transform" it will keep being my word I think until the end of summer. somehow the school year calendar resonates in a different way with me and it seems the right time for a word.
thank you 2010 for all that you were. 2011 i will be glad to meet you where you are.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
tears of motherhood
In the midst of my youngest throwing a huge fit begging to go out to lunch and me saying we cannot, there is no money and he arching and being so sad, I made the deep terrible mistake of promising him that if a check came we would go out to dinner. Well he told his siblings. They all were so excited. I told them I was not sure if a check was coming. The check did not come. Meltdown with all three. Huge, deep tears of sadness and bellowing crying coming from my oldest. Uncontrolled raging sadness. I felt so sad. I cried. I apologized said I was so sorry. Sorry for putting the idea of possibility out there and sorry there was no money. Sorry I promised the pumpkin farm with the cow train and the horse ride and then had to say we cannot. My kids know if I say it, then that means we will do it. I try to never promise what I am not sure about. I think they need the certainty. I ached, I reeled with guilt. I fell asleep at 6:21 pm fully dressed, belt on and phone in pocket. I did not get up till the next day although I awakened many times.
Life is hard. Life is joyful. I hate struggling to come up with food to feed my children, but I am grateful for what all this has taught me. Food is no longer a given, I do not take it for granted. There was a salad and red peppers at a birthday party today. I ate some with gratitude. I had a beautiful weekend with my family. We enjoyed the sun and the rain, a warm fire and warm, nourishing food made at home. A friend came to visit and bought us pumpkins from a farmer nearby. Nothing fancy, but the kids were thrilled nonetheless. Grateful the rain waited till we were leaving.
I chose not to work this weekend. I am my own boss, I can make those choices. Yet it is rare for me to take off time, and rarer still not to feel guilty. I did not this weekend. I enjoyed the time, I was grateful. It was peaceful. Friends came to visit, tea was made, time was shared. The lack of any money has hung overhead but not as a noose that it would have in the past. I have faith, faith that God has a bigger plan, one that continues to baffle me, but one that I have come to rely on. Even though I am relying on thin air in a way. There is no tangible plan, nothing written for me to see.
I struggle the kids have allergy testing and dentists appointments tomorrow since there is no school. But I do not have a way to get them there. There is not enough money, we are down to that little. I do not understand why I must miss them, I scheduled them so long ago and worked hard to plan it all so. So I feel like I am pushing against the plan. But something also tells me to accept whatever happens. And I will.
A hard week, a growing week. Energetically things are going on and I have not sorted them. Feeling lost, feeling like falling into darkness but trying to light my candle and keep it lit.
Looking deep into the canyon of unknown.
Life is hard. Life is joyful. I hate struggling to come up with food to feed my children, but I am grateful for what all this has taught me. Food is no longer a given, I do not take it for granted. There was a salad and red peppers at a birthday party today. I ate some with gratitude. I had a beautiful weekend with my family. We enjoyed the sun and the rain, a warm fire and warm, nourishing food made at home. A friend came to visit and bought us pumpkins from a farmer nearby. Nothing fancy, but the kids were thrilled nonetheless. Grateful the rain waited till we were leaving.
I chose not to work this weekend. I am my own boss, I can make those choices. Yet it is rare for me to take off time, and rarer still not to feel guilty. I did not this weekend. I enjoyed the time, I was grateful. It was peaceful. Friends came to visit, tea was made, time was shared. The lack of any money has hung overhead but not as a noose that it would have in the past. I have faith, faith that God has a bigger plan, one that continues to baffle me, but one that I have come to rely on. Even though I am relying on thin air in a way. There is no tangible plan, nothing written for me to see.
I struggle the kids have allergy testing and dentists appointments tomorrow since there is no school. But I do not have a way to get them there. There is not enough money, we are down to that little. I do not understand why I must miss them, I scheduled them so long ago and worked hard to plan it all so. So I feel like I am pushing against the plan. But something also tells me to accept whatever happens. And I will.
A hard week, a growing week. Energetically things are going on and I have not sorted them. Feeling lost, feeling like falling into darkness but trying to light my candle and keep it lit.
Looking deep into the canyon of unknown.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
motherhood
some days, well most days I do not think I am up for the job. When people tell me what an incredible job I do, I wonder how I am faking it so well. I think they say that because they look at 3 kids so close in age and wonder how am I even alive. Someone said to me yesterday when I said no, I never feel like it goes well - she said, every mother of three would say that, it comes with the job. maybe so. I think I am good at doing for them, but not being with them. reading books, throwing balls, there is so much else to do, it is hard to stop and be with them. I just feel the pressure of everything else I have to do for them.
Friday, October 15, 2010
our life is our practice
On first glance, today was not a "good" day. I am out of town for work and did not sell one piece until I was leaving. Fridays tend to be the strongest or close to strongest day of a show. I desperately need the money to pay bills, to pay rent, to buy food for my family. I worked myself to the bone and slept little to get enough work made. It did not feel good. And yet, an old co-worker who I loved walked in the door. How kind and great to see her after all these years. A last minute Facebook post brought her to the show. The loveliest surprise.
As I was leaving, a customer found me to show how excited she was of the scarf she just bought. How excited I was that it was the piece my 5 year "helped" make. I told her the story and she loved it. As I reflected on it tonight I learned something from my daughter. She often comes into my studio to watch me work. Frequently she is patient and waits long enough that I will find a way for her to "help". She loves it and I do too. She follows directions well and is careful enough that I can actually have her help me. And as I was reflecting, I realized, she does not wait for me to find her to love and snuggle and give attention, she seeks me or others out. She always has. She has needs, she gets them met. She "does". She is not waiting for someone else. I have been waiting for things to get better, to feel better, to have more energy. Instead I need to do.
I found it serendipitous that Karen Maezen Miller was in the same town giving a lecture tonight. Maybe that is why I am here. She is an amazing and kind and thoughtful woman. Insightful, generous. Deep. Lighthearted, engaging. Present. Her warm gaze was like a room full of sunshine. How lucky was I to be sitting in the front row. Lucky. I keep feeling lucky, grateful for many ordinary things. A different way of seeing. But I digress.
She was talking, I was listening. And I heard. Your life is not an obstacle to your practice, your life is your practice. And I heard. I always say xyz are keeping me from yoga, from breathing, from slowing down. No they are my practice. Another phrase she said is call and respond. quit asking how and just do.
do not deceive, especially yourself
do not make excuses for yourself
take responsibility for yourself.
simple really, wise words truly, difficult to live some days. so clear so insightful.
I asked about me - i can manage to be calm and present with one child, even two, but when all three need me i lose it, sometimes yell, it scares them, i feel awful, the guilt...and so kindly she reflected and answered ask for help. look for help. do not try to figure out to make your self "better". truly, never thought of this. always focus on what is wrong with me how can i do it better. it is okay, kids are resilient. do not beat yourself up. quit thinking of yourself as a crappy mother.
i finally came up with my word for a year a few weeks ago. transform. Karen said something about being sick of the sickness in her life. so she did something. it is time to do something. it is time to take hold and transform. i am tired and worn out and life is so painfully difficult and hard a lot of times. but the beauty of my life and those in it is powerful i have been filled with gratitude for the magical island we know live on. I feel like we moved to a magical fairy land. Sometimes I wonder how did we get so lucky to live there?
I have never been so poor in all of my life as the last nine months. There have been days and days when I have gone hungry. It is hard. Yet living penny to penny has made me so grateful for what i do have. Life has been stripped down to the barest of bones. I see what is real in front of me. I value that which is important to me and the rest has fallen to the wayside. I do not miss alot of it. I wish not for things but good food to feed myself and my family. And enough comes. It always comes. This deep faith has seen me through. Life is powerful when you are looking.
Did I need it all stripped away so I could look more closely? I think so. I need to be kinder to myself, more gentle. More tender. My stress level has come down so much just from moving. I do not miss the big city, I like the small town. It feels like home in a way the city never did. I never realized that until we moved. The house is a dream. Again how lucky are we that we get to live in it?
So it seemed like it was not a good day and yet it was truly a grand day. How lucky am I? Yes very lucky. Very grateful.
As I was leaving, a customer found me to show how excited she was of the scarf she just bought. How excited I was that it was the piece my 5 year "helped" make. I told her the story and she loved it. As I reflected on it tonight I learned something from my daughter. She often comes into my studio to watch me work. Frequently she is patient and waits long enough that I will find a way for her to "help". She loves it and I do too. She follows directions well and is careful enough that I can actually have her help me. And as I was reflecting, I realized, she does not wait for me to find her to love and snuggle and give attention, she seeks me or others out. She always has. She has needs, she gets them met. She "does". She is not waiting for someone else. I have been waiting for things to get better, to feel better, to have more energy. Instead I need to do.
I found it serendipitous that Karen Maezen Miller was in the same town giving a lecture tonight. Maybe that is why I am here. She is an amazing and kind and thoughtful woman. Insightful, generous. Deep. Lighthearted, engaging. Present. Her warm gaze was like a room full of sunshine. How lucky was I to be sitting in the front row. Lucky. I keep feeling lucky, grateful for many ordinary things. A different way of seeing. But I digress.
She was talking, I was listening. And I heard. Your life is not an obstacle to your practice, your life is your practice. And I heard. I always say xyz are keeping me from yoga, from breathing, from slowing down. No they are my practice. Another phrase she said is call and respond. quit asking how and just do.
do not deceive, especially yourself
do not make excuses for yourself
take responsibility for yourself.
simple really, wise words truly, difficult to live some days. so clear so insightful.
I asked about me - i can manage to be calm and present with one child, even two, but when all three need me i lose it, sometimes yell, it scares them, i feel awful, the guilt...and so kindly she reflected and answered ask for help. look for help. do not try to figure out to make your self "better". truly, never thought of this. always focus on what is wrong with me how can i do it better. it is okay, kids are resilient. do not beat yourself up. quit thinking of yourself as a crappy mother.
i finally came up with my word for a year a few weeks ago. transform. Karen said something about being sick of the sickness in her life. so she did something. it is time to do something. it is time to take hold and transform. i am tired and worn out and life is so painfully difficult and hard a lot of times. but the beauty of my life and those in it is powerful i have been filled with gratitude for the magical island we know live on. I feel like we moved to a magical fairy land. Sometimes I wonder how did we get so lucky to live there?
I have never been so poor in all of my life as the last nine months. There have been days and days when I have gone hungry. It is hard. Yet living penny to penny has made me so grateful for what i do have. Life has been stripped down to the barest of bones. I see what is real in front of me. I value that which is important to me and the rest has fallen to the wayside. I do not miss alot of it. I wish not for things but good food to feed myself and my family. And enough comes. It always comes. This deep faith has seen me through. Life is powerful when you are looking.
Did I need it all stripped away so I could look more closely? I think so. I need to be kinder to myself, more gentle. More tender. My stress level has come down so much just from moving. I do not miss the big city, I like the small town. It feels like home in a way the city never did. I never realized that until we moved. The house is a dream. Again how lucky are we that we get to live in it?
So it seemed like it was not a good day and yet it was truly a grand day. How lucky am I? Yes very lucky. Very grateful.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
memories
tonight the kids and i went to a concert at the park down the street. (Daddy was working). It was an incredible folk/alt country band and the kids loved it. i wished i had a camera but since i did not, i tried really hard to be present and really soak it and watch the kids truly. they were joyously dancing with each other, laughing giggling, huge smiles and pure and utter joy. I danced with them, i was silly, i swung them around. at one point, each one snuggled into my lap and I gave big hugs and love. i hope that i thought on it long enough to deeply etch the picture of it into my memory for all the days i live.
i do not know if they will always remain the best of friends but i certainly hope they do. tonight was such a joy to see my three children show complete love and joy for each other. and to watch the older two watch out for the youngest. in those moments, i feel truly blessed because i believe they share something special.
we have been getting into a good rhythm this last few weeks of them playing inside then outside and while outside they dig in the dirt and are covered head to toe. i love it.
i do not know if they will always remain the best of friends but i certainly hope they do. tonight was such a joy to see my three children show complete love and joy for each other. and to watch the older two watch out for the youngest. in those moments, i feel truly blessed because i believe they share something special.
we have been getting into a good rhythm this last few weeks of them playing inside then outside and while outside they dig in the dirt and are covered head to toe. i love it.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Hummingbirds - my guardian angels?
So yesterday my daughter said Mom there is a hummingbird. I almost said no but bit my tongue. And yes in January in Seattle where it is cold there was a hummingbird by the butterfly bush. Kept flying around so we could see it. Right exactly when I was having a meltdown over life being too hard and I cannot do it anymore.
Googled hummingbirds and spirits. Lots of amazing info. Hummingbirds have always been special to me and have significance. A clear and strong sign to me that God is watching and watching over us and I am on the right path even if that path is hard and will continue to be so.
Amazing. My daughter saw a hummingbird in November in a different part of the yard when I was in a tough spot. Definitely not a coincidence.
Googled hummingbirds and spirits. Lots of amazing info. Hummingbirds have always been special to me and have significance. A clear and strong sign to me that God is watching and watching over us and I am on the right path even if that path is hard and will continue to be so.
Amazing. My daughter saw a hummingbird in November in a different part of the yard when I was in a tough spot. Definitely not a coincidence.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
path of least resistance
what is the path of least resistance? how do i take it? how do i find it? how am i battling that i can let go and accept instead? why cant i figure this out? it feels such a struggle, this life and my health is crap. so there is a different way but which way is that? how do I find it? these are the answers I need God. thank you.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
remembering puddles of hope
I set this blog up a long time ago and promptly forgot about it because I was not ready to blog. Still not sure I am but my journal is downstairs and I am tired and we have not been friends for awhile that journal and I. And I forgot my blog was titled puddles of hope. I remembered felt mama but not that. And now what I am looking for and needing are puddles of hope, lots and lots of them.
I have let go of a lot, have quit trying to control my life, have let go of a lot of worry, of a lot of stress. The stress is still there but better than years ago. I have dug in deep to my faith in God and I suspect I need to dig a whole lot deeper. But God is watching out for me. He just guided me to a blog that is making me stop in my tracks. I am going to go read more but first i wanted to write a few thoughts.
It is time to quit filling my time with empty things to avoid feeling. I think feeling pain would be better than this. I am avoiding life, avoiding interacting with my children in a real deep meaningful way. Why? Because I am so tired. Because there are no words for the complete and utter exhaustion and tired I feel. Because I am exhausted. Because I have given them and everyone else all that I have and I feel empty more than empty and I want to hide and nurture a bit back. I need some of me back. Today I said I am depressed and I am. And now I feel a bit better.
I have crawled into bed early every night lately and done stuff from bed. To rest some, to heal some, to slow down. I have even been watching some tv or trying to at least. After over a year of no tv, not much holds my attention. but it is nice just to do nothing and to let go of the feeling that i must go work. because to work, i need energy and passion and creativity and energy!
I have been very crafty on the non business front of late and it feels good. trying out different things without needing them to be the certain some way. Most of it for the kids or their friends.
I felt shell shocked for the better part of two days this week. The realization that one of my children may not be able to be in a classroom, to go to a school. To realize his differences and challenges are that profound. To have it put on a plate and put right in front of you. Even if you are the one that has spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours researching every possible thing that could be the thing that defines part of him. Even if what is there is mostly what I knew but maybe more. Partly shell shocked because he was so sad at school in the fall and they never told me even though I asked and asked often. My heart shattered into too many pieces feeling broken for him and being sad that I could not have done anything. Sad for the parts adding up and understanding why he was so much closer to tears all fall and always thinking it was so unlike him. Sad because this is him - unable to find words to tell me these things. Sad because after six years, I should know better. The hard things are the things he never has words for, are the things he needs me to figure out and help him with. But I was too busy trying to schedule all his therapy classes, arrange his schedule, find him all the help he needs, listen to speakers and try to help his sister who was going through too much change and uncertainty. And balance his brother and my business and the house and my life and my marriage and work on our bleak financial picture.
But now two days later I am not so shell shocked and the future sits open wide. Maybe I home school, maybe not. Maybe the new school I felt sure about is still the place we will go. God knows, he will guide us, for that I am grateful. the answers will present themselves. I have faith and I have more tonight, more peace.
Financially I have never been in such a bad place. We do not have rent for February, the car payment is two months late, none of the tuition is paid and right now we have food in the house but no money for more or for gas. And yet, money that I did not know where it would appear from has appeared three times in the last week. Faith and a belief that God has a plan for us. I am doing my best and that is what I can do.
We are on a path. I do not quite understand it but maybe it is not for me to understand right now, just to follow, just believe, just go with it, just follow. Just have faith in God and believe deeply in His plan for me, for us.
I have let go of a lot, have quit trying to control my life, have let go of a lot of worry, of a lot of stress. The stress is still there but better than years ago. I have dug in deep to my faith in God and I suspect I need to dig a whole lot deeper. But God is watching out for me. He just guided me to a blog that is making me stop in my tracks. I am going to go read more but first i wanted to write a few thoughts.
It is time to quit filling my time with empty things to avoid feeling. I think feeling pain would be better than this. I am avoiding life, avoiding interacting with my children in a real deep meaningful way. Why? Because I am so tired. Because there are no words for the complete and utter exhaustion and tired I feel. Because I am exhausted. Because I have given them and everyone else all that I have and I feel empty more than empty and I want to hide and nurture a bit back. I need some of me back. Today I said I am depressed and I am. And now I feel a bit better.
I have crawled into bed early every night lately and done stuff from bed. To rest some, to heal some, to slow down. I have even been watching some tv or trying to at least. After over a year of no tv, not much holds my attention. but it is nice just to do nothing and to let go of the feeling that i must go work. because to work, i need energy and passion and creativity and energy!
I have been very crafty on the non business front of late and it feels good. trying out different things without needing them to be the certain some way. Most of it for the kids or their friends.
I felt shell shocked for the better part of two days this week. The realization that one of my children may not be able to be in a classroom, to go to a school. To realize his differences and challenges are that profound. To have it put on a plate and put right in front of you. Even if you are the one that has spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours researching every possible thing that could be the thing that defines part of him. Even if what is there is mostly what I knew but maybe more. Partly shell shocked because he was so sad at school in the fall and they never told me even though I asked and asked often. My heart shattered into too many pieces feeling broken for him and being sad that I could not have done anything. Sad for the parts adding up and understanding why he was so much closer to tears all fall and always thinking it was so unlike him. Sad because this is him - unable to find words to tell me these things. Sad because after six years, I should know better. The hard things are the things he never has words for, are the things he needs me to figure out and help him with. But I was too busy trying to schedule all his therapy classes, arrange his schedule, find him all the help he needs, listen to speakers and try to help his sister who was going through too much change and uncertainty. And balance his brother and my business and the house and my life and my marriage and work on our bleak financial picture.
But now two days later I am not so shell shocked and the future sits open wide. Maybe I home school, maybe not. Maybe the new school I felt sure about is still the place we will go. God knows, he will guide us, for that I am grateful. the answers will present themselves. I have faith and I have more tonight, more peace.
Financially I have never been in such a bad place. We do not have rent for February, the car payment is two months late, none of the tuition is paid and right now we have food in the house but no money for more or for gas. And yet, money that I did not know where it would appear from has appeared three times in the last week. Faith and a belief that God has a plan for us. I am doing my best and that is what I can do.
We are on a path. I do not quite understand it but maybe it is not for me to understand right now, just to follow, just believe, just go with it, just follow. Just have faith in God and believe deeply in His plan for me, for us.
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