Today my oldest told me about his day. Four of his friends at school were paired up into two teams - they each told my child he was "awesome" and wanted him on their team. My son beamed, truly beamed, smile from ear to ear with a true twinkle in his eye. The moment I cherish and will for my life. True radiating happiness. He even said, that is the first time such and such has called me awesome.
Sometimes you hold your heart in your hands over and over aching while watching your child find their way in the world. Some children are easier, some harder. This sweet child has experienced a lot of heartache in relation to friends and to hear this made me beam with happiness.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Life
I am still thinking about "Life" and what "do I need". I read something somewhere that said life is as good as it gets today, quit waiting for life when it gets better. It said this can be depressing at first and then relieving. I wish I knew where I read it as I am trying to digest this from all angles but my momma brain could use some help remembering what I read.
Purpose - I think sometimes I feel a lack of purpose or not having set "to do's" each day keeps me from getting much done. Then I feel depressed from the general lack. Yes, I do accomplish a lot every day but some times it feels purposeless. Case in point, for my husband's birthday, I made blueberry muffins the night before, actually got up early, made him an espresso and a coffee as I am not good at making either, so I figured one of them might turn out (one did), and heated the muffins and served him breakfast upstairs. I had presents wrapped the night before. The house cleaned on his birthday so it looked good for his arrival home. All things to make him happy and show him how much I appreciate him and love him. It is as if the purpose was enough to pull me out of my funk and DO something.
When I have hard deadlines that I cannot break, I get a lot a lot done. Without the hard deadlines, I feel like a fish out of water. Since I am self employed and a momma, most of of my day is driven by me. When I create my own deadlines, I know I can break them, so they do not seem real to me. I feel under water each day. Like life is pushing me down.
My brain analyzes and analyzes. I think too much. When I just "do"I feel better, but that is hard, because the second I stop, I feel tired and just crash. Life feels too hard and I feel tired too much.
I do not what my dream is I do not know what I want. I have ideas of what I want for our family, but for me, no idea. I have worked so hard for my business and I love felting, I really love felting. When I get in the groove of felting and when I am consistent over weeks and months, I amaze myself with what I create. It feels good. I feel balanced when I am felting, sometimes not even balanced but energized and bounding with ideas.
Yet - this business does not seem to make sense. I am not making money, I feel like I am actually hurting us by doing this business. So why would God want me to keep on this path? Did He even mean for me to be on this path? I feel like God gives me signs and I follow them and then they do not work right - they really seemed like what I should be doing. So why does it not work? I feel like I am good at listening to my intuition yet every time I am in the ferry line, I choose the slowest line even though I think I am picking the fastest one. What does that say about me?
And then is that me being too hard on myself? I am very hard on myself, I do not cut myself much slack. Am I kind to myself? More than I used to be. Would I treat a friend like this? Probably not? Then why do I do this to myself? I do not know. I was always expected to succeed and do well growing up. That was matter of fact. Bad choices and failures were not accepted well and I could feel the strong displeasure. So I worked hard to please and do well so I would not get in trouble. Even now when I have a good achievement or accolade, my parents do not get excited or give me much praise. Finally I am able to realize that and realize they should. And then I watch my daughter and I see how tough she is on herself. How exacting her standards are. And I realize more of myself was hardwired from the beginning that I thought. So I am trying deeply with her to teach her to love herself, to be kind to herself, to cut herself some slack. I hope it helps.
Motherhood is such a bag of tricks. I really do not think I am great at being a mother most days. I see my failures like neon billboards. I worry they will be all messed up when they grow up from all of my issues. And then, people talk about what love and what light my children exude. How kind and thoughtful they are. How different they are, how they stand out. And my husband continually says I do an amazing job as do friends. I think they just do not see my charade. But when I watch my kids, I do think more and more I am doing something right. I know a lot of it is them, themselves. But I do work hard at it and I know I do not give up and I do not slack at the work of being a mother. Just it feels harder than it should, lots of days (heck every day) I lose my patience and I get tired of it. Tired of their bickering, their fighting, their endless, endless questions. Yet I want them to ask questions and be inquistive so I answer them. I answer them until I tell them I have no more answers for the day.
What do I need? I do not know, it still is not coming to me. I am trying to do more yoga, and I am accomplishing that goal. I have spent way more time in the yard, getting my hands in the dirt. But I really wish I could have a garden. I love to garden. But the bazillion trees give me no options for it. One day, one day if we buy this house, I can cut down the trees and have light. I really wish that one day would be soon.
Purpose - I think sometimes I feel a lack of purpose or not having set "to do's" each day keeps me from getting much done. Then I feel depressed from the general lack. Yes, I do accomplish a lot every day but some times it feels purposeless. Case in point, for my husband's birthday, I made blueberry muffins the night before, actually got up early, made him an espresso and a coffee as I am not good at making either, so I figured one of them might turn out (one did), and heated the muffins and served him breakfast upstairs. I had presents wrapped the night before. The house cleaned on his birthday so it looked good for his arrival home. All things to make him happy and show him how much I appreciate him and love him. It is as if the purpose was enough to pull me out of my funk and DO something.
When I have hard deadlines that I cannot break, I get a lot a lot done. Without the hard deadlines, I feel like a fish out of water. Since I am self employed and a momma, most of of my day is driven by me. When I create my own deadlines, I know I can break them, so they do not seem real to me. I feel under water each day. Like life is pushing me down.
My brain analyzes and analyzes. I think too much. When I just "do"I feel better, but that is hard, because the second I stop, I feel tired and just crash. Life feels too hard and I feel tired too much.
I do not what my dream is I do not know what I want. I have ideas of what I want for our family, but for me, no idea. I have worked so hard for my business and I love felting, I really love felting. When I get in the groove of felting and when I am consistent over weeks and months, I amaze myself with what I create. It feels good. I feel balanced when I am felting, sometimes not even balanced but energized and bounding with ideas.
Yet - this business does not seem to make sense. I am not making money, I feel like I am actually hurting us by doing this business. So why would God want me to keep on this path? Did He even mean for me to be on this path? I feel like God gives me signs and I follow them and then they do not work right - they really seemed like what I should be doing. So why does it not work? I feel like I am good at listening to my intuition yet every time I am in the ferry line, I choose the slowest line even though I think I am picking the fastest one. What does that say about me?
And then is that me being too hard on myself? I am very hard on myself, I do not cut myself much slack. Am I kind to myself? More than I used to be. Would I treat a friend like this? Probably not? Then why do I do this to myself? I do not know. I was always expected to succeed and do well growing up. That was matter of fact. Bad choices and failures were not accepted well and I could feel the strong displeasure. So I worked hard to please and do well so I would not get in trouble. Even now when I have a good achievement or accolade, my parents do not get excited or give me much praise. Finally I am able to realize that and realize they should. And then I watch my daughter and I see how tough she is on herself. How exacting her standards are. And I realize more of myself was hardwired from the beginning that I thought. So I am trying deeply with her to teach her to love herself, to be kind to herself, to cut herself some slack. I hope it helps.
Motherhood is such a bag of tricks. I really do not think I am great at being a mother most days. I see my failures like neon billboards. I worry they will be all messed up when they grow up from all of my issues. And then, people talk about what love and what light my children exude. How kind and thoughtful they are. How different they are, how they stand out. And my husband continually says I do an amazing job as do friends. I think they just do not see my charade. But when I watch my kids, I do think more and more I am doing something right. I know a lot of it is them, themselves. But I do work hard at it and I know I do not give up and I do not slack at the work of being a mother. Just it feels harder than it should, lots of days (heck every day) I lose my patience and I get tired of it. Tired of their bickering, their fighting, their endless, endless questions. Yet I want them to ask questions and be inquistive so I answer them. I answer them until I tell them I have no more answers for the day.
What do I need? I do not know, it still is not coming to me. I am trying to do more yoga, and I am accomplishing that goal. I have spent way more time in the yard, getting my hands in the dirt. But I really wish I could have a garden. I love to garden. But the bazillion trees give me no options for it. One day, one day if we buy this house, I can cut down the trees and have light. I really wish that one day would be soon.
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