Year of Unfolding

I have been sitting, or just moving through life, waiting if you will. letting life happen. not trying to rush or hurry the unfolding of what is coming. my dreams crushed, my vision  gone, my business - clearly not going to work. six years of hard work, anguish. frustration, anger, sadness at not understanding, maybe not even agreeing, but realizing that clearly, CLEARLY God had given me enough roadblocks to know it is time to stop, at least for now. I am still living in the at least for now. no hard decisions made except that applying for craft shows is at least done. when I received the last rejection letter, i said that is THE last rejection letter I am going to receive. it feels like crap and I am done with crap.

so i have been trying to rest, be kind to myself, rest just do what needs to be done (the minimum mostly). read, drink some beer, think and listen. first i read and then asked, what do I need? I spent time reading my old blog posts about my old garden. had not looked at them in forever. sat feeling sad, really truly missing gardening, hands in dirt, missing growing things. wrote a blog post even about wanting to garden now. an hour later, the phone rings, the p patch i was on the waiting list for calls and has a spot.

did i mention i was told it could be years, years? and it was about 16 months only. and this p patch is on the same property as the school all 3 kids go to? the one where i have 3 different pick up times from 1 pm till 3:20 pm. That was God. His magic, his sign saying this is what you need dear one. I am so grateful. And I had to learn to be patient. I wanted raised beds filled with great dirt pronto! And instead it took a month. I waited mostly patiently. I have planted many things. I am happy.

I have not necessarily been searching - more on the look out - for guidance - words, books, people, movies - something to help guide me. i have been reading several great books - two - clear your clutter with feng shui and Creating Sacred Space With Feng Shui: Learn the Art of Space Clearing and Bring New Energy into Your Life by Karen Kingston - have helped really make think about things and my space and how I want a space that is not cluttered and a studio that fills me up with energy instead of one that makes me sad because of how it looks.

Then today another book off my library requests was ready - The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

i have only read a few pages and already i know this is the book. this is the one. i have read many things by Brene the last couple years, watched her TED talks, read her blog. And today I picked up her book. I am writing this instead of reading because I think I am a little nervous to start the book. I feel it, I feel that this is what I have needed to help me. 

She talked about her word for the year and it reminded me I needed a word. I never pick a word in January - I wait until it comes. So the word may last more than a year. In a couple of months I turn 39. This last year of my thirties, I think it will be the year of unfolding. My word is unfolding. Not sure why yet but it came right to me. I am grateful for today.

Here and Now

So I have been having conversations with my son multiple times in the last few days about not living for the future or for some experience that is down the road, that he needs to live in the "here and now".

And I even created a little song about the here and now and all the things that he would miss if he was focusing on the future. And it reminded me how when I was young in my teens I just lived for the future and when about to graduate from high school I really realized how much I missed.

And then tonight, I was reading the Brave Girls daily truth and talked about really enjoying TODAY because the ends of things can be really hard. This rung so true today. I am feeling anxious because
I am letting go of the past and embracing being a stay at a home mom and it feels unsettling. But if I stop and just think about today, there was a lot of joy. And the joy was good.

So obviously my lessons to my child were for me as well. Clearly the things they need help with the most, are the lessons I still need to learn. 

Awesome

Today my oldest told me about his day. Four of his friends at school were paired up into two teams - they each told my child he was "awesome" and wanted him on their team. My son beamed, truly beamed, smile from ear to ear with a true twinkle in his eye. The moment I cherish and will for my life. True radiating happiness. He even said, that is the first time such and such has called me awesome.

Sometimes you hold your heart in your hands over and over aching while watching your child find their way in the world. Some children are easier, some harder. This sweet child has experienced a lot of heartache in relation to friends and to hear this made me beam with happiness.

Life

I am still thinking about "Life" and what "do I need".  I read something somewhere that said life is as good as it gets today, quit waiting for life when it gets better. It said this can be depressing at first and then relieving. I wish I knew where I read it as I am trying to digest this from all angles but my momma brain could use some help remembering what I read.

Purpose - I think sometimes I feel a lack of purpose or not having set "to do's" each day keeps me from getting much done. Then I feel depressed from the general lack. Yes, I do accomplish a lot every day but some times it feels purposeless. Case in point, for my husband's birthday, I made blueberry muffins the night before, actually got up early, made him an espresso and a coffee as I am not good at making either, so I figured one of them might turn out (one did), and heated the muffins and served him breakfast upstairs. I had presents wrapped the night before. The house cleaned on his birthday so it looked good for his arrival home. All things to make him happy and show him how much I appreciate him  and love him. It is as if the purpose was enough to pull me out of my funk and DO something.

When I have hard deadlines that I cannot break, I get a lot a lot done. Without the hard deadlines, I feel like a fish out of water. Since I am self employed and a momma, most of of my day is driven by me. When I create my own deadlines, I know I can break them, so they do not seem real to me. I feel under water each day. Like life is pushing me down.

My brain analyzes and analyzes. I think too much. When I just "do"I feel better, but that is hard, because the second I stop, I feel tired and just crash. Life feels too hard and I feel tired too much.

I do not what my dream is I do not know what I want. I have ideas of what I want for our family, but for me, no idea. I have worked so hard for my business and I love felting, I really love felting. When I get in the groove of felting and when I am consistent over weeks and months, I amaze myself with what I create. It feels good. I feel balanced when I am felting, sometimes not even balanced but energized and bounding with ideas.

Yet - this business does not seem to make sense. I am not making money, I feel like I am actually hurting us by doing this business. So why would God want me to keep on this path? Did He even mean for me to be on this path? I feel like God gives me signs and I follow them and then they do not work right - they really seemed like what I should be doing. So why does it not work? I feel like I am good at listening to my intuition yet every time I am in the ferry line, I choose the slowest line even though I think I am picking the fastest one. What does that say about me?

And then is that me being too hard on myself? I am very hard on myself, I do not cut myself much slack. Am I kind to myself? More than I used to be. Would I treat a friend like this? Probably not? Then why do I do this to myself? I do not know. I was always expected to succeed and do well growing up. That was matter of fact. Bad choices and failures were not accepted well and I could feel the strong displeasure. So I worked hard to please and do well so I would not get in trouble. Even now when I have a good achievement or accolade, my parents do not get excited or give me much praise. Finally I am able to realize that and realize they should. And then I watch my daughter and I see how tough she is on herself. How exacting her standards are. And I realize more of myself was hardwired from the beginning that I thought. So I am trying deeply with her to teach her to love herself, to be kind to herself, to cut herself some slack. I hope it helps.

Motherhood is such a bag of tricks. I really do not think I am great at being a mother most days. I see my failures like neon billboards. I worry they will be all messed up when they grow up from all of my issues. And then, people talk about what love and what light my children exude. How kind and thoughtful they are. How different they are, how they stand out. And my husband continually says I do an amazing job as do friends. I think they just do not see my charade. But when I watch my kids, I do think more and more I am doing something right. I know a lot of it is them, themselves. But I do work hard at it and I know I do not give up and I do not slack at the work of being a mother. Just it feels harder than it should, lots of days (heck every day) I lose my patience and I get tired of it. Tired of their bickering, their fighting, their endless, endless questions. Yet I want them to ask questions and be inquistive so I answer them. I answer them until I tell them I have no more answers for the day.

What do I need? I do not know, it still is not coming to me. I am trying to do more yoga, and I am accomplishing that goal. I have spent way more time in the yard, getting my hands in the dirt. But I really wish I could have a garden. I love to garden. But the bazillion trees give me no options for it. One day, one day if we buy this house, I can cut down the trees and have light. I really wish that one day would be soon.

What do I think I need?

What do I think I need? I read this on another blog. I have come across some form of this question for almost two years. For awhile, I thought I knew the answer, but I do not think I do. Actually I do not know.

I do not know what my heart wants, what I need beyond I love my children and my husband and want us to be healthy and have a roof over our head. But what do I need? What will make the nagging I am not there yet, this creative business is not quite working stop. Reading other people's blogs of finding their way and doing what they want. At one point, I felt I was there. But I am not.

Standing in an empty booth all day watching people walk by and not in, after trying for years to be in that very place and having no success. Walking up the aisle toward my booth, past others' booths where people were in and shopping and fully feeling that I am not good enough, I should not be here. Feeling the weight of extraordinary failure and knowing before the end, almost at the beginning that all I thought this would be would not. Realizing that spending money I did not have to get here, sure I could pay it all off at the end was a very bad idea. If I do not have it, to do it, do not count on making it to pay it back. Knowing when I set up that being surrounded by 4 jewelers was not going to be a good thing. Feeling it and saying do not think bad things, it will be fine.

Listening to my gut - something I am getting better at and I need to listen more closely to.

Having such excitement, working so very very hard and yet protecting my health by not burning the candle at both ends, creating such work I felt proud of and felt it was very very good. Felt like the consistent day in day out work produced new ideas, new techniques, pushed my edges. Creating a new kind of piece and making five of them, each one improving on the other. Feeling proud, feeling confident, feeling excited and pumped up. so radiant that I finally got there. and i did.

and packing up almost every piece that I brought. sold the plane janes. the ones with no color. packed it all back up, save for the last piece of the new kind of piece I made. that one sold, right at the end. that did feel good. i did not even have to work to sell it, it sold itself.

grateful that all those jewelers were some of the loveliest, kind, funny and joyful ladies out there. made it just fine in a way.

came home. tired, but not burned out. and my focus immediately got shifted to kiddo number one and what he needs and letting me see that i need to put my internet researcher hat back on. to help him, to help us, to guide us to what he needs.

and then a reminder that my gut was right last summer. we would need a new car this spring. just without the money i was going to make at the three shows i was going to get into and do. i did not get into three shows, i got into one and i lost money. but somehow the car came anyway. and it is nice and i really like it. even if it feels a little showy and i feel like it looks too expensive and even though we got a super deal, people do not know that and what will they think? i guess time to let that go.

and then lots of real serious sickness with kiddo number one just to drive home the message that i need to focus there. and what does that mean?

i am amazed sometimes at how much stressing i have let go and worrying. believe me, i still stress and i still worry, but a whole lot less. i pray more and ask God for help a lot more. somehow i just know God has a plan and it will work out, just never how i would like it. and somehow that is fine (sometimes fine after a little or big fit).

which comes back to what do i think i need to feel at peace and find my way? what do i want? what do i need? where do i want to go? i have no idea. i do not know how to get there. it scares me some and frustrates me some and seems a little too daunting. spring is here. time to let go. time to sit. figure out where what how. ask God for help. for direction. and see what answers come. amazed i just sat down and wrote all this. never quite sure when i am going to write and what i am doing with this blog. but i always love re-reading my posts and seeing how they were pointing me somewhere.

failure

instead of accepting, sometimes I want to revolt. i see their differences and I want to run. I do not want to be "that momma". yet i am. i am the mom of 3, one who has developmental delays and one who has major reflux and food sensitivities. and the sweet youngest? mostly growing out of his reflux but thriving in determined, tenancious personality that can bring me to my knees, and does daily at least.

but today, it was watching my oldest and how hard life must seem to him. he was trying to race with his friends, accidently veered off course and plowed into his sister by accident. always at the end of the day when the mega thunderstorm rifles through his body. he could not handle her hurt, he could not handle that his last race of the day was messed up. massive tears, massive yelling, massive body out of control. the plan was so crystal clear in his head that he really could not handle that the plan changed. he kept crying and crying about the plan, and the plan was wrecked and how did he do it, why did he do it and it was going to be great and they were all lined up.

and then when finally I had corralled all 3 and we were walking home he says I feel like a failure, then he says i am a failure. the words i have worked so hard and so deep and so long to protect him from. and there they spilled. my throat caught. and the explosion of emotions just kept coming. mine were bubbling and finally maybe an hour later i had to say, enough, momma is overwhelmed, i cannot handle anymore. my body just ached from it all. i do not want to be the momma who has to handle, manage and soothe these meltdowns. i hate being with other moms when it happens. i know they do not judge, but still. i deeply worry - when will his friends' start to not like him because of this or pick on the behavior? what can i do - how do i handle? what do i do? i feel like i need to have more empathy and wrap him in love. but he hurt his sister and she needed me and i had to keep it all in to get us home and get to the dinner table and to bed.

some days i am tired. tired of trying to manage. tired of being their momma with all the quirks. knowing it is different. knowing that sweet #3 pushes my buttons in different ways, ways where i get frustrated or upset, but not where i get hurt on a soul level, not aching from watching their pain, not hating that she hurts, physically hurts from food and even though i have climbed mountains and planets, i still have not been able to heal her completely. yet when i pause and think, i know God sent them to me, me for a reason. he felt they needed me as their mother. and that feels big and sometimes heavy and sometimes grateful.

goodbye 2011, hello 2012

where do the years go? i felt the need to write, the need to put words to paper so to speak. i read through all my past entries as i seem to do when i come here. happiness, joy, sadness, pain, love, that is what i find.
2011, i had such hope. i thought it was my year to thrive and succeed in my business. i did not. i fell and i fell hard. my little heart got crumpled up, defeated and deflated. i am still recovering. i am still a little shocked with 2011. not what i expected or wanted. i lost a lot of that joy of being here. my health really sunk even though i worked hard to help heal it.


one thing i am proud of, i gave up coca cola on Jan 1 and I have not had it again. not one drop. i had a couple cheerwines this summer, well okay more than a few, but it is not the same. my body has clearly and deeply struggled without all the sugar. i realized adrenal fatigue and candida overgrowth can be tied together. working on helping both. it is a long road. sometimes i feel completely devastated when that road feels so very long.

is this me now? that other person i thought i was all gone? i keep trying to embrace this me but i miss my brain working, the clear thoughts. the ability to have an idea and see it through. i cannot will myself to this place. it shows up for a few days at a time when i can really think and do and then mysteriously it disappears again.

sometimes i think God is trying to tell me something. but i cannot figure it out.

2011 also saw the kids getting bigger, doing better. maybe one of my most grateful things is seeing my daughter finally grow. i mean really grow. all my work, research, trials and tribulations of new idea and new things to try and i feel like i solved a big part of the puzzle. she still has reflux, still in pain, but so much is gone. i started soaking our oatmeal overnight with kefir water and presto, the constant "my tummy hurts" was gone. gave her unsoaked oatmeal twice and she knew, she said this kind hurts me. profound. i mean profound. she started gaining weight, growing inches, yes inches. went through a whole clothing size in months, the tiny feet grew. for ALL that I am SO grateful grateful to God. grateful to see her pain greatly diminish.

the last week of the year might have been the best. all not working all having a staycation. ice skating, gingerbread house decorating, gingerbread house touring, bowling, eating, visiting with friends, beach walking sea glass finding - rare sea glass - big red chunk, big light blue chunk, bright green super tumbled. thank you ocean. bald eagles soaring overhead.

and now on the start of 2012 and i have no idea what it brings. i started off feeling very clear headed. i took the gift and was grateful and spent it getting organized and doing the things i cannot usually achieve when i feel foggy and out of it.

today i created. first time in a long long time. felt good. made something that looks like confetti. maybe that is good.

i wrote goals again for the year. a lot are the same as 2010 and i did not write any in 2011. healing my body and sleep are right up top. finding time and peace with my children is to. spending more time with them, focusing on crafting with them. spending more time with my husband. talking with him. building my business, making it financially successful. these are my goals and wishes for the year.

what is my word? i am not sure yet. transform was the right word for a long time. but now i need something more, something a little different. joy breath peace contentment. maybe not those but something that embodies them all.