goodbye 2011, hello 2012

where do the years go? i felt the need to write, the need to put words to paper so to speak. i read through all my past entries as i seem to do when i come here. happiness, joy, sadness, pain, love, that is what i find.
2011, i had such hope. i thought it was my year to thrive and succeed in my business. i did not. i fell and i fell hard. my little heart got crumpled up, defeated and deflated. i am still recovering. i am still a little shocked with 2011. not what i expected or wanted. i lost a lot of that joy of being here. my health really sunk even though i worked hard to help heal it.


one thing i am proud of, i gave up coca cola on Jan 1 and I have not had it again. not one drop. i had a couple cheerwines this summer, well okay more than a few, but it is not the same. my body has clearly and deeply struggled without all the sugar. i realized adrenal fatigue and candida overgrowth can be tied together. working on helping both. it is a long road. sometimes i feel completely devastated when that road feels so very long.

is this me now? that other person i thought i was all gone? i keep trying to embrace this me but i miss my brain working, the clear thoughts. the ability to have an idea and see it through. i cannot will myself to this place. it shows up for a few days at a time when i can really think and do and then mysteriously it disappears again.

sometimes i think God is trying to tell me something. but i cannot figure it out.

2011 also saw the kids getting bigger, doing better. maybe one of my most grateful things is seeing my daughter finally grow. i mean really grow. all my work, research, trials and tribulations of new idea and new things to try and i feel like i solved a big part of the puzzle. she still has reflux, still in pain, but so much is gone. i started soaking our oatmeal overnight with kefir water and presto, the constant "my tummy hurts" was gone. gave her unsoaked oatmeal twice and she knew, she said this kind hurts me. profound. i mean profound. she started gaining weight, growing inches, yes inches. went through a whole clothing size in months, the tiny feet grew. for ALL that I am SO grateful grateful to God. grateful to see her pain greatly diminish.

the last week of the year might have been the best. all not working all having a staycation. ice skating, gingerbread house decorating, gingerbread house touring, bowling, eating, visiting with friends, beach walking sea glass finding - rare sea glass - big red chunk, big light blue chunk, bright green super tumbled. thank you ocean. bald eagles soaring overhead.

and now on the start of 2012 and i have no idea what it brings. i started off feeling very clear headed. i took the gift and was grateful and spent it getting organized and doing the things i cannot usually achieve when i feel foggy and out of it.

today i created. first time in a long long time. felt good. made something that looks like confetti. maybe that is good.

i wrote goals again for the year. a lot are the same as 2010 and i did not write any in 2011. healing my body and sleep are right up top. finding time and peace with my children is to. spending more time with them, focusing on crafting with them. spending more time with my husband. talking with him. building my business, making it financially successful. these are my goals and wishes for the year.

what is my word? i am not sure yet. transform was the right word for a long time. but now i need something more, something a little different. joy breath peace contentment. maybe not those but something that embodies them all.