Year of Unfolding

I have been sitting, or just moving through life, waiting if you will. letting life happen. not trying to rush or hurry the unfolding of what is coming. my dreams crushed, my vision  gone, my business - clearly not going to work. six years of hard work, anguish. frustration, anger, sadness at not understanding, maybe not even agreeing, but realizing that clearly, CLEARLY God had given me enough roadblocks to know it is time to stop, at least for now. I am still living in the at least for now. no hard decisions made except that applying for craft shows is at least done. when I received the last rejection letter, i said that is THE last rejection letter I am going to receive. it feels like crap and I am done with crap.

so i have been trying to rest, be kind to myself, rest just do what needs to be done (the minimum mostly). read, drink some beer, think and listen. first i read and then asked, what do I need? I spent time reading my old blog posts about my old garden. had not looked at them in forever. sat feeling sad, really truly missing gardening, hands in dirt, missing growing things. wrote a blog post even about wanting to garden now. an hour later, the phone rings, the p patch i was on the waiting list for calls and has a spot.

did i mention i was told it could be years, years? and it was about 16 months only. and this p patch is on the same property as the school all 3 kids go to? the one where i have 3 different pick up times from 1 pm till 3:20 pm. That was God. His magic, his sign saying this is what you need dear one. I am so grateful. And I had to learn to be patient. I wanted raised beds filled with great dirt pronto! And instead it took a month. I waited mostly patiently. I have planted many things. I am happy.

I have not necessarily been searching - more on the look out - for guidance - words, books, people, movies - something to help guide me. i have been reading several great books - two - clear your clutter with feng shui and Creating Sacred Space With Feng Shui: Learn the Art of Space Clearing and Bring New Energy into Your Life by Karen Kingston - have helped really make think about things and my space and how I want a space that is not cluttered and a studio that fills me up with energy instead of one that makes me sad because of how it looks.

Then today another book off my library requests was ready - The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

i have only read a few pages and already i know this is the book. this is the one. i have read many things by Brene the last couple years, watched her TED talks, read her blog. And today I picked up her book. I am writing this instead of reading because I think I am a little nervous to start the book. I feel it, I feel that this is what I have needed to help me. 

She talked about her word for the year and it reminded me I needed a word. I never pick a word in January - I wait until it comes. So the word may last more than a year. In a couple of months I turn 39. This last year of my thirties, I think it will be the year of unfolding. My word is unfolding. Not sure why yet but it came right to me. I am grateful for today.

Here and Now

So I have been having conversations with my son multiple times in the last few days about not living for the future or for some experience that is down the road, that he needs to live in the "here and now".

And I even created a little song about the here and now and all the things that he would miss if he was focusing on the future. And it reminded me how when I was young in my teens I just lived for the future and when about to graduate from high school I really realized how much I missed.

And then tonight, I was reading the Brave Girls daily truth and talked about really enjoying TODAY because the ends of things can be really hard. This rung so true today. I am feeling anxious because
I am letting go of the past and embracing being a stay at a home mom and it feels unsettling. But if I stop and just think about today, there was a lot of joy. And the joy was good.

So obviously my lessons to my child were for me as well. Clearly the things they need help with the most, are the lessons I still need to learn.