What do I think I need?

What do I think I need? I read this on another blog. I have come across some form of this question for almost two years. For awhile, I thought I knew the answer, but I do not think I do. Actually I do not know.

I do not know what my heart wants, what I need beyond I love my children and my husband and want us to be healthy and have a roof over our head. But what do I need? What will make the nagging I am not there yet, this creative business is not quite working stop. Reading other people's blogs of finding their way and doing what they want. At one point, I felt I was there. But I am not.

Standing in an empty booth all day watching people walk by and not in, after trying for years to be in that very place and having no success. Walking up the aisle toward my booth, past others' booths where people were in and shopping and fully feeling that I am not good enough, I should not be here. Feeling the weight of extraordinary failure and knowing before the end, almost at the beginning that all I thought this would be would not. Realizing that spending money I did not have to get here, sure I could pay it all off at the end was a very bad idea. If I do not have it, to do it, do not count on making it to pay it back. Knowing when I set up that being surrounded by 4 jewelers was not going to be a good thing. Feeling it and saying do not think bad things, it will be fine.

Listening to my gut - something I am getting better at and I need to listen more closely to.

Having such excitement, working so very very hard and yet protecting my health by not burning the candle at both ends, creating such work I felt proud of and felt it was very very good. Felt like the consistent day in day out work produced new ideas, new techniques, pushed my edges. Creating a new kind of piece and making five of them, each one improving on the other. Feeling proud, feeling confident, feeling excited and pumped up. so radiant that I finally got there. and i did.

and packing up almost every piece that I brought. sold the plane janes. the ones with no color. packed it all back up, save for the last piece of the new kind of piece I made. that one sold, right at the end. that did feel good. i did not even have to work to sell it, it sold itself.

grateful that all those jewelers were some of the loveliest, kind, funny and joyful ladies out there. made it just fine in a way.

came home. tired, but not burned out. and my focus immediately got shifted to kiddo number one and what he needs and letting me see that i need to put my internet researcher hat back on. to help him, to help us, to guide us to what he needs.

and then a reminder that my gut was right last summer. we would need a new car this spring. just without the money i was going to make at the three shows i was going to get into and do. i did not get into three shows, i got into one and i lost money. but somehow the car came anyway. and it is nice and i really like it. even if it feels a little showy and i feel like it looks too expensive and even though we got a super deal, people do not know that and what will they think? i guess time to let that go.

and then lots of real serious sickness with kiddo number one just to drive home the message that i need to focus there. and what does that mean?

i am amazed sometimes at how much stressing i have let go and worrying. believe me, i still stress and i still worry, but a whole lot less. i pray more and ask God for help a lot more. somehow i just know God has a plan and it will work out, just never how i would like it. and somehow that is fine (sometimes fine after a little or big fit).

which comes back to what do i think i need to feel at peace and find my way? what do i want? what do i need? where do i want to go? i have no idea. i do not know how to get there. it scares me some and frustrates me some and seems a little too daunting. spring is here. time to let go. time to sit. figure out where what how. ask God for help. for direction. and see what answers come. amazed i just sat down and wrote all this. never quite sure when i am going to write and what i am doing with this blog. but i always love re-reading my posts and seeing how they were pointing me somewhere.